dialogue

~ steve.ridgley ~ Leave a comment

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Two monologues don’t make a dialogue

How often do you take part in a meeting or conversation where consciously, or unconsciously, you are trying to win the debate? We’ve all done it. I certainly have.

How often when you open your mouth, does the sentence start “Yes, but…”?

Have you ever sat in a meeting when one person makes a point and the moment they have finished speaking, someone else makes a completely separate seemingly unconnected point?

It seems we have become conditioned not to listen.

Conditioned not to have expansive, generative discussions.

Of course there is no time for discourse.  No time to explore each others perspectives – to stand in each others shoes.  No time to explore possibilities.  No time to truly collaborate.  No time to understand and build on ideas.  No time to understand each other.  No time to understand ourselves.

What’s important to us that makes us behave that way?  Interrupting, winning, being heard, being right, being valued, in a hurry, showing courage… ?

Of course, we’re busy people.  Decisions have to be taken.  Actions have to be delivered.

I’m here to influence you to my way of thinking and if I can’t win the debate I can always go and ignore what we have ‘agreed’ and do what I want anyway. That is the route of dual monologue.

Dialogue offers another way.
Generative conversation offers another way.

But it involves spending time understanding each others needs; understanding what we both care about, what matters, what has meaning and significance for both of us.  It involves us understanding ourselves.  Our own hidden motivations.  The feelings and thoughts that create the behaviour.

Otherwise we go in blind.

 

mishonest?

~ steve.ridgley ~ Leave a comment

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Are you mishonest?

I’m not talking about dishonest.  Where dishonest is that place where people lie, cheat, deceive, steal … I mean something else

Do you ever feel language is missing something?  I do increasingly frequently. Our ability to communicate with complex language seems to mark us out as a higher species, whereas I wonder if in fact it holds us back?

A dictionary definition of dishonest is ‘intended to mislead’ or ‘behaving or prone to behave in an untrustworthy, deceitful, or insincere way’. That implies intent.  Positive intent to mislead, deceive or be insincere.

Equally, honest is defined as ‘free of deceit; truthful and sincere’ and has synonyms such as candid, open, straightforward, genuine, frank. This also implies a positive intent.

I either choose to tell you how it is (honest) or I choose to deceive you (dishonest)

But what if I just don’t know?  Know in a conscious, mindful way what is true?  Somehow I’m just unaware. My gut is telling me something, but I don’t yet know my truth.  If you operate from this place, maybe you’re neither honest nor dishonest? There is no conscious intent, it’s simply a misunderstanding and out of your awareness.

The prefix ‘mis’ in English implies an unintended mistake or misunderstanding – ironically as in mis-take and mis-understanding 🙂

So I propose a new word – mishonest

Back to my opening question – are you mishonest?

Do you ever experience a feeling, an emotional response to something and not really know why? Do you tell yourself that if you speak up, you’ll be judged mad, bad or wrong?  Do you see someone else do something or say something and find yourself judging them? Do you run the same script in your head – I’m not good enough, I’m stupid, I’ll be found out?  Is your stomach churning?  Your gut saying something but you haven’t taken time to listen?

These are all positions of not knowing, out of consciousness, unaware.

You are in effect being mishonest … with yourself.  And if you’re mishonest with yourself, you run the risk of being mishonest with others.  And that runs the risk of being seen as dishonest. That’s how relationships break down.  How blame flourishes.  How shame emerges.  How trust erodes.

So be curious.  Be curious about your body speaking.  Be curious about your mind’s familiar patterns of thinking. Be curious about your truth.  Not your patterns of being, but your truth.  Because there lies personal honesty and that is the start of everything great in your life.  It leads to openness to others truths and to personal happiness, fulfillment, freedom …

inside out

~ steve.ridgley ~ Leave a comment

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I’m lucky to sit by a window at work.

If you could look in through a window, or out through a window … which would you choose?

Sometimes just looking out helps me to think, to ground myself, to re-connect with myself and what’s needed.

There is something thought provoking, inspiring, wondrous about the simple things that one can see outside.  Lichen nestling in the crevice of a branch, birds perching and then launching, clouds changing form as they slip silently across the sky, an aeroplane carrying people to the other side of the world, rain cascading down a drain pulling dust, dirt, and the flotsam of nature with it, shadow playing lightly on the grass.

Life. Living in action.

Even if your vista is limited, it’s bigger outside than inside. Like a Tardis in reverse.

A metaphor for our lives too perhaps?  So much more to understand and experience when we look out, when we connect with the vastness of outside, to the world and all its possibilities.

Take a moment.  Go to a window and look out.  Look with fresh eyes. See something you have never seen before.  Enjoy.