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wounding each other

~ steve.ridgley ~ Leave a comment

tear

I nearly wounded someone today. Thankfully, only nearly.

We all have those moments when, perhaps even before we’ve thought about it, we’ve wounded others – with a well-chosen barb, a dose of sarcastic humour, by locking them out or turning away, by reminding them of their bad habits or inabilities, by yelling or insulting … by shaming.

All too often we are wounding other people because we just got wounded ourselves, sometimes by a thought or a memory rising quietly inside; a thought that nobody else can even see. We deal with our own pain by swinging it out onto somebody else.

And sometimes we wound others because, to put it simply, it’s what happened to us repeatedly along our life journey and now it’s their turn for a share of it.

But perhaps even more often than we wound others, we wound ourselves.

… and more deeply.

When faced with a situation, an opportunity, a challenge we tell ourselves we’re not good enough, not smart enough, not attractive enough, not talented enough, not powerful enough, not important enough …

We shame ourselves into not trying, or giving up, or playing small…

Maybe the next time you sense you are wounding yourself or wounding another human being, pause and reflect on where that comes from?

 

if you think you planned this, think again…

~ steve.ridgley ~ Leave a comment

Happenstance

Our life is governed by happenstance.

The parents we were born to. The country we were born in. The society and culture not just of our country, but our community – city, village, countryside. The siblings we grew up with. The location we lived in, which determined the school we went to. The people we met and befriended on that first day. The teacher we had. The kids who lived in our street and we played with. The party that we so nearly didn’t go to, but where we met our first girlfriend/ boyfriend. The friends who moved away and those who didn’t. The college / university we nearly didn’t choose. The rooms in the halls of residence we were assigned. The flat mates who became lifelong friends. The modules we chose and those who chose them too. The holidays we experienced. The tragedies we witnessed. The joys we embraced. The job applications we got interviews for. The career we fell in to. The soulmate we met. The people we sit next to. The colleagues our work introduces us to. The offer on the house that got accepted. The neighbours we have. The choices life offers us. The priorities life places upon us. The love we feel. The pain we cope with. The hope we hold. The happiness we seek.

Every happenstance changes our life path.

Human Beings are very resourceful. Our ability to adapt, to make agile choices in the moment is unparalleled. Our capacity to face adversity and to be resilient in spite of happenstance is amazing.

Interesting therefore that in organisations we try so hard to plan change?

Much in our lives is governed by happenstance and yet we still remain in control, make positive choice, survive and even thrive. Perhaps we should remind ourselves of that?

Perhaps we should be more curious about what makes that possible for us as unique individuals? Why at times it is easier and at times it is harder? How we might be more resourceful more of the time?

 

how do you think?

~ steve.ridgley ~ Leave a comment

5 senses

Take a few minutes out of your day and try this out…

You might find closing your eyes helpful.  You might also find being prompted by a friend useful, unless you’ve mastered reading with your eyes closed 🙂

Imagine yourself, in your mind’s eye (as the saying goes), having a coffee or tea with a friend. It might be a real, past experience or an imagined future one – it doesn’t matter.

Now, as you have that experience ‘in your head’, try to remove any sounds from the experience (any dialogue, coffee shop background noise etc.), so that there is no sound at all. Total silence.

Now, as you have that experience, remove any smells or tastes from the experience (any smell of coffee, taste of tea etc.)

Now, as you have that experience, remove any sensation of touch or feeling (any sense of being seated, resting arms on the table, holding the cup etc.)

Now, finally, remove the image you have.  If the image is a video, you might find it helpful to freeze frame and make it a still.  You might also find it useful to make that still image black and white or smaller to help you remove it from your experience.

What’s left of your experience in your head?

Most people, at this point, say “nothing”, or “blackness”, or “a dot in the distance”, or something similar.

The point here is that we create experience through our senses.  Without them there is no experience.  We do this for past experiences – memories – and also for imagined future experiences.

Pay attention to which senses you use to do this – this is how you think.

How do you imagine that meeting will go?  How do you recall that great weekend a while back?  How do you think about that difficult time in your life?

If you think predominantly in images, say, that means you can change the structure of your thinking, by changing the image. Changing the image will change your experience. Similarly if you think through feeling, or sound.  You may use two senses, or notice, say, that sound is present more in negative experiences. The first step is to notice your patterns.

So notice…

what are you wearing today?

~ steve.ridgley ~ Leave a comment

Looking inside you

 

 

 

 

Take a moment to look down.

Not at your clothes or shoes.

At how you’re being right now.

Maybe you’re invisible?  Is there something going on inside that can’t be seen by the outside world?  Something on your mind?  A feeling you don’t wish to share?

Maybe you’re cloaked?  Are you saying or doing something which is perceived to be right?  Maybe by your society, organisation, family, colleagues…  Maybe it’s not authentically you to say or do those things, but you feel compelled to?  For acceptance?  To avoid judgement?

Maybe you can’t see beyond what you’re wearing?  Maybe you’re not used to looking at your very humanity?  Maybe you just run on automatic?  Maybe looking, really looking, is too difficult?

Maybe you’re naked?  There as your authentic self.  Being.

Pause, take a good look.  Be curious.

Say hello to you.

 

Image by LittleSweetFruit

 

dialogue

~ steve.ridgley ~ Leave a comment

image

Two monologues don’t make a dialogue

How often do you take part in a meeting or conversation where consciously, or unconsciously, you are trying to win the debate? We’ve all done it. I certainly have.

How often when you open your mouth, does the sentence start “Yes, but…”?

Have you ever sat in a meeting when one person makes a point and the moment they have finished speaking, someone else makes a completely separate seemingly unconnected point?

It seems we have become conditioned not to listen.

Conditioned not to have expansive, generative discussions.

Of course there is no time for discourse.  No time to explore each others perspectives – to stand in each others shoes.  No time to explore possibilities.  No time to truly collaborate.  No time to understand and build on ideas.  No time to understand each other.  No time to understand ourselves.

What’s important to us that makes us behave that way?  Interrupting, winning, being heard, being right, being valued, in a hurry, showing courage… ?

Of course, we’re busy people.  Decisions have to be taken.  Actions have to be delivered.

I’m here to influence you to my way of thinking and if I can’t win the debate I can always go and ignore what we have ‘agreed’ and do what I want anyway. That is the route of dual monologue.

Dialogue offers another way.
Generative conversation offers another way.

But it involves spending time understanding each others needs; understanding what we both care about, what matters, what has meaning and significance for both of us.  It involves us understanding ourselves.  Our own hidden motivations.  The feelings and thoughts that create the behaviour.

Otherwise we go in blind.

 

mishonest?

~ steve.ridgley ~ Leave a comment

image

Are you mishonest?

I’m not talking about dishonest.  Where dishonest is that place where people lie, cheat, deceive, steal … I mean something else

Do you ever feel language is missing something?  I do increasingly frequently. Our ability to communicate with complex language seems to mark us out as a higher species, whereas I wonder if in fact it holds us back?

A dictionary definition of dishonest is ‘intended to mislead’ or ‘behaving or prone to behave in an untrustworthy, deceitful, or insincere way’. That implies intent.  Positive intent to mislead, deceive or be insincere.

Equally, honest is defined as ‘free of deceit; truthful and sincere’ and has synonyms such as candid, open, straightforward, genuine, frank. This also implies a positive intent.

I either choose to tell you how it is (honest) or I choose to deceive you (dishonest)

But what if I just don’t know?  Know in a conscious, mindful way what is true?  Somehow I’m just unaware. My gut is telling me something, but I don’t yet know my truth.  If you operate from this place, maybe you’re neither honest nor dishonest? There is no conscious intent, it’s simply a misunderstanding and out of your awareness.

The prefix ‘mis’ in English implies an unintended mistake or misunderstanding – ironically as in mis-take and mis-understanding 🙂

So I propose a new word – mishonest

Back to my opening question – are you mishonest?

Do you ever experience a feeling, an emotional response to something and not really know why? Do you tell yourself that if you speak up, you’ll be judged mad, bad or wrong?  Do you see someone else do something or say something and find yourself judging them? Do you run the same script in your head – I’m not good enough, I’m stupid, I’ll be found out?  Is your stomach churning?  Your gut saying something but you haven’t taken time to listen?

These are all positions of not knowing, out of consciousness, unaware.

You are in effect being mishonest … with yourself.  And if you’re mishonest with yourself, you run the risk of being mishonest with others.  And that runs the risk of being seen as dishonest. That’s how relationships break down.  How blame flourishes.  How shame emerges.  How trust erodes.

So be curious.  Be curious about your body speaking.  Be curious about your mind’s familiar patterns of thinking. Be curious about your truth.  Not your patterns of being, but your truth.  Because there lies personal honesty and that is the start of everything great in your life.  It leads to openness to others truths and to personal happiness, fulfillment, freedom …

inside out

~ steve.ridgley ~ Leave a comment

image

I’m lucky to sit by a window at work.

If you could look in through a window, or out through a window … which would you choose?

Sometimes just looking out helps me to think, to ground myself, to re-connect with myself and what’s needed.

There is something thought provoking, inspiring, wondrous about the simple things that one can see outside.  Lichen nestling in the crevice of a branch, birds perching and then launching, clouds changing form as they slip silently across the sky, an aeroplane carrying people to the other side of the world, rain cascading down a drain pulling dust, dirt, and the flotsam of nature with it, shadow playing lightly on the grass.

Life. Living in action.

Even if your vista is limited, it’s bigger outside than inside. Like a Tardis in reverse.

A metaphor for our lives too perhaps?  So much more to understand and experience when we look out, when we connect with the vastness of outside, to the world and all its possibilities.

Take a moment.  Go to a window and look out.  Look with fresh eyes. See something you have never seen before.  Enjoy.